I want to apologize. I want to apologize in the most profound of ways. Something that would allow the woman I know as Allie from back in high school (furthermore anybody who has been stalked) to understand I, having committed actions that I regret [stalking her, making her feel uncomfortable, being a creep towards her if I truly have been (I will get into creeps and the fact they are humans to and to say them being creeps allows such behavior that makes them feel they are lesser individuals than anybody else unless their creepy behavior includes trying to harm you in any way which I never would do to her), etc.], which were my actions not my illnesses (understand I never meant to make her feel otherwise, but merely not being able to accurately depict that truth is not being manipulative) want her to have much better behavior and treatment from all individuals including myself and the man that she deserves to have make her happy whoever he may be.
I have feared greatly and spoken very much so with my therapists about the idea of me manipulating her and that I have never understood why she believed I had done so. I have always thought, and do believe in so many ways, that manipulation implies intent. That my behavior where I in fact never intended to manipulate her was okay because I did not try and make her feel like anything I wanted that she didn’t (besides loving me and wanting to be with me in which case I wanted what was best for her in what I think is best and hopefully what is for her, yet if it is not then of course she should have the love and respect she wants) was okay for me to force upon her. If I have unintentionally manipulated her and such behavior is something that is truly abusive and wrong then I apologize profusely.
I believe I understand now why she felt I was manipulating her, though. If I understand correctly my beliefs of what was going on being what was true are beliefs she felt were me manipulating her to feel a certain way and to make her feel like relationships she has had with people are in fact ones where they were manipulating and trying to harm her whether mentally, emotionally, or physically.
Furthermore she may believe or have believed that some of what I said that I believed was some sort of manipulative lie to get her to believe something which was untrue was so she would do what I want as the victim she would be if it weren’t for these things being false memories I did not want to have if they were untrue. I wanted to tell the truth and what I believed and in all that was the truth prove that this “love we had” (not real btw) was something we still could because we were manipulated and our love which hopefully would be stronger than such could go on having realized the truth of the matter.
My behavior in terms of stalking and harassing her is something that had to do with psychological aspects of my personality that come from my insecurities, failings, abusive relationships and bullying from childhood, but furthermore my mental illness and what it has wrought on my life, my mind, and in the case of losing any chance of loving and being loved by her the woman of my dreams, the life I want to have and cherish with the individuals I love, respect, and believe deserve the best in this world.
The truth of the matter that my behavior comes from more than just my mental illness eats away at me because I want to become a better person that people should have in their lives that treat them the way they deserve, let alone her the person I have had feelings for. For her to withhold the truth of what she felt was the way I was treating her, the way she felt manipulated, is so hurtful because I want to be a better person if my behavior is toxic or screwed up towards others.
What is also the truth of the matter though is that the idea that my mental illness does not have to do with my behavior, the way I behaved, the way I did victimize her, is purely absurd. I will always hate that such behavior is something I committed in a state unknowing of how hurtful and abusive it was (I will never understand why I delusionally believed because she loved me I had the right to keep contacting and harassing her though). As I said my behavior was not correct and is not something people should do to one another. But I will never apologize for what I am victimized from myself being a reason I behaved in such a manner. Meaning my behavior could not and would not happen in any other state than that of a delusional being who was being terrorized by the very thing that caused me to terrorize her.
With all of that being said if she herself has been manipulating me, my family, loved ones, and the people around her to damage my reputation with lies and deceit she deserves all of the legal issues that would come her way if such things were true. Such behavior even if I myself was maliciously trying to make her feel like she should be harmed by me or others is not in fact okay in my opinion due to my opinions on the lives of all people. The concept that the perceived manipulation, or even manipulation, made it okay for her to do the same to me is another absurd and screwed up idea. Any manipulative behavior by her, any public commenting that I threatened her maliciously or, negligently saying I threatened her when the truth of the matter is I didn’t, the idea I was stalking her for 8+ years, will show she should, and if she doesn’t fix said matters of defamation, to have a defamation suit filed against her. Oh… (emotional distress suites, “Emotional distress claims cover instances in which a victim suffers a severe emotional reaction due to another party’s actions. For emotional distress to apply in court, the act in question must have been negligent or intentional. While not always necessary, the plaintiff is more likely to recover damages if he or she also suffered from a physical injury.”) and…
Furthermore the idea that she would say “f**ck off” to an individual thinking of committing suicide purely because they made her feel manipulated or if she maliciously withheld my ability to understand I was not the monster she has made me out to be at times is so wrong I still cannot believe she did that under any circumstances. Such behavior with the fact she has had suicide in her past and has felt the pain of someone she loved having removed themselves from this earthly plain is the most horrifying thing I could imagine her possibly doing. Other than saying I should kill myself herself. I need an apology for that fact for me wanting to talk to her was purely, in that case, out of a need to make myself not do something rash and take my own life. The idea such asks are manipulative and wrong is in fact manipulative behavior with intent to victimize (and by extension my family) in my opinion.
I hope this is what she needs to understand me,
To understand I wish her and her son well,
That as long as she is not a manipulative and deceitful asshole,
She deserves the world,
She even does with such behavior if she becomes a better human if such manipulative behavior is real,
Alexander Jack Martin
I have found different accounts of what cyberstalking actually is this is from the closest to current times so if I understand correctly what the act I committed was in fact what I (yes, me not anybody before me) diagnosed the situation to be:
“Cyberstalking refers to the use of the internet and other technologies to harass or stalk another person online, and is potentially a crime in the United States. This online harassment, which is an extension of cyberbullying and in-person stalking, can take the form of e-mails, text messages, social media posts, and more and is often methodical, deliberate, and persistent.”
“The content directed at the target is often inappropriate and sometimes even disturbing, which can leave the person feeling fearful, distressed, anxious, and worried.”
It “is most often a crime perpetrated by someone with whom you are familiar.”
Just a reminder to the gaslighting nature of Alexandra stating we never had a relationship in (“the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.” definition from Oxford Languages) 2009-2010 which I do not consider anything that was romantic.
Further Ideas With No Understanding of if there is legal/civil basis for…
- I do know that in the past I have specifically devised plans of medication with my psychiatrist based around the idea that I was a threat to Alexandra. Such use of medications has caused weight gain and other issues I cannot remember at the moment.
- Believing I was a threat to Alexandra I even further felt that I should not or could not love another out of the basis that I would become a creep or something much worse towards a fellow human being whom I loved or was in a romantic relationship with.
- The idea I was manipulative itself has caused much emotional distress.