I don't know how you feel about this, but when you title something the way I've titled this I tend to feel like you've got to have one hell of an introduction.
I don't have that.
So what do I have?
Personally I don't feel like I have the credentials to be telling you not to commit suicide like I feel others may be able to tell you. Which... sounds stupid to at least someone reading this. Yet, it rings true in my mind.
You see, I used to think I had thought about suicide at a young age. By the time I had reached the age of ten I had started to wish that I had never been born. I had quite a few bullies making me feel worthless at school you see.
In fact, from my perspective at the least (I assume from others as well), it was a terrible time. I went to school and would get bullied mostly by the guys in my class, but... let's not leave out the girls. There were plenty of plans put into action to stop this yet the one I remember is the idea of having me hang out with each person one on one outside of school.
Now I'm not saying that couldn't have worked out, but it sure as hell didn't in my case.
What ended up happening is that I would get along with people one on one. We'd hang out and have some fun. Then we'd go back to school.
There I would get made fun of all over again.
But, now I had the added issue of trust involved in all of this. Since I had hung out with these people one on one I had trusted that they would be better to me at school. Boy was I wrong. Hell, even the other fat kid in class took to the social cause of making fun of me after having hung out with me.
Things did calm down though when I moved to a different area of the country. I mean it wasn't much better because damage had been done to me, but for the sake of how it felt to me it was slightly better. Things in fact got really good comparatively when I moved again.
Pretty soon I had friends.
Once I got to about high school that is.
When it does get bad though it makes the time in my life when I had a lot of friends that weren't family members complicated.
How? You ask?
Well, right around the time I found out what I wanted to do with my life I began to have these hallucinations and delusions about this woman I had had some inkling of a relationship with in high school. Mind you I should say this relationship was nowhere near romantic or anything like that (apparently, I told you it is complicated). At least on her side of things. I was the one who was into her.
Anyway around the time I realized I wanted to write the symptoms of my schizoaffective disorder bipolar type popped up. Pretty much all of the symptoms having to do with someone in real life. Which is oh so fun.
Imagine feeling there was this extremely deep connection between you and another individual that apparently wasn't there at all. Yeah, it was about that time seven years ago that I started thinking about suicide truly in a more deep manner.
Not at first. No at first I became obsessed with this woman and cyberstalked her. So now I've committed a crime, a terrible one, towards this woman whom I actually love. Which makes everything better.
You see, something they never tell you about the people who are stalkers. It feels like shit to be the person doing that. Like, all I can do is imagine what it felt like to her, which makes it even worse, but if it's worse than how I felt that in turn makes me feel even worse again.
So you feel terrible. That's a bit of an understatement I feel but it gets the point across.
So, about a month ago it got really really bad. There was no way I could ever be with this woman who I have done this terrible thing to. I still of course become obsessive over her annoyingly so it just... it seemed time.
There was enough pain in my existence that never felt like it was going to get better that I actually planned out cutting my wrists ( the right way mind you, and if you don't know I'm not telling you). Luckily I had second thoughts.
That's the thing though what does it feel like reading somebody say I had second thoughts and went to the hospital got help and am now directing my message at you. This whole thing is about you mind you. You're the one in need. I need you to know there is hope.
Yes, I mean that. Impossibly in all this fucked up world there may be so much going wrong and especially for you, but...
There is hope.
The key though is holding on to that hope.
It can be hard.
My god can it be hard to hold on to that hope. So, what I'm going to do is just give you my reasons for staying alive. Mind you this may not work for you, but if you're reading this and it doesn't please take the time to look at yourself objectively (you know us depressed people are good at it) and think about how much hope you and or others still have for yourself. What you have going for you.
Anyway, this is short, but....
First off I want you to think of life like this never ending sidewalk through a city. Imagine that (I mean maybe not because that could sound depressing too, but I guess imagine that for the sake of this).
You, or I, or anybody is walking along this sidewalk and at some point it's just this never ending seeming sidewalk. It's bare, it's a damn sidewalk so it sucks, and you just want to end it.
Think about it.
Take your time.
How about you keep walking until the next intersection, the next corner and see whats there. You never know maybe you'll see the most beautiful thing you've ever seen in your life and want to go check it out. Just remember the only way to check it out is if you keep going.
Which brings me to my final argument.
Look I don't think there's a god. If you do good for you and your beliefs, but for those of us who don't believe I'm speaking to you (don't worry believer I'll make this count with you as well, but first). Think about everything in your life. Think about all of it. Everything good, bad, ugly, disparaging, horrifying, terrible, disgusting, I'm actually running out of words...
Do you see?
There's more to it than that, isn't there?
There is so much more in your life than the pain that you feel. I am telling you that if you search around you will be able to find something you can hold on to. And why?
Because there's nothing after the decision that you are thinking of making.
Hell, even if there is a god then your decision may end up leading you to hell. Or, at the least that is what some of these assholes will tell you.
The way I see it I've got to stick around so I can make it better for somebody, anybody, and hopefully somebody dealing with an illness like mine. Just...
Wait a little bit. Distract yourself as they say. Talk to somebody. I know it's hard. I really do. But it really is better than the alternative.
Once you're gone your gone.
And trust I feel this is manipulative as well, but it's the truth so many are going to miss you. I hate when people act like their feelings are more important than yours that has always been my little annoyance with this idea that how deeply you or I might hurt somehow matters less than the people who want us to be around, but...
They do want you around. Because you matter. Because you have worth. Value. Something to offer to the world. Never forget that.
And don't forget that each of our feelings are never going to matter more than another's. You're feelings matter as much as theirs do, but so do theirs.
They just want you to know, and so badly, that you're this amazing, beautiful, wonderful, tough, strong, incredible individual. And...
If you let us in to help I promise it can get better.