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There once was a budding football fan at the age of eight during the Super Bowl of 2001 (man, he’s getting old). His only real experience with watching football before that was the crappy Super Bowl of 2000, cheering because his parents were cheering during the 1994 Nebraska Cornhusker National Championship, and rooting for the Oakland Raiders during the Tuck Rule game. He was a huge fan of the St. Louis Rams.
I swear. He was.
He had been a fan of the Rams ever since the week before when he first heard about them.
He watched as the Patriots took the field together and the Rams had their introductions as each star player came out. He thought the Patriots were stupid. There’s no way they would win.
Okay, screw that, I watched as the Rams shit the bed in the first half. I still had hope and hope came to my rescue for a little bit during the second half. Then…
Tom Fucking Brady!
I fucking hated that guy.
First he won one Super Bowl as I was becoming a budding football fan. Next he was tearing my heart out as I rooted for the underdogs (as if North Carolina is really a place where underdogs reside) of Carolina in 2003. Then I was just frustrated and thought “why not root for the team that took out my favorite player Michael Vick?” So I rooted for the Eagles in 2004.
Then, I really hated Tom Brady in 2007. With his perfect hair and his good looks and that god damn perfec…
Wait, they lost. Oh, man I was so happy. And then… I hated him even more when I found out he cheated (the first time). How could he? That perfect man. He was such an asshole. He even broke it off with a woman just to get a chance at a supermodel one time you know.
Then something changed. I’ll never forget the exact point in time that I realized I was beginning to root for Tom Brady. It was the final Hail Mary play of the 2011 Super Bowl that was once again against the Giants. I sat watched the pass leave Tom’s perfect fingers and all of a sudden god damnit I was rooting for Gronk to catch the damn ball. That would’ve been historic. Amazing. Incredible. Something to tell your grandchildren about.
Begrudgingly I started to root a little for Tom Brady. See it wasn’t his fault it was that dirty old man Bill Bellichick. Yeah, it was all his fault. That mean old fart of a coach. With his perfect schemes and his perfect…
You get the point.
By the time of the Super Bowl the Patriots played against the Falcons (RIP) I was full on rooting for the team I hated hated most of my years of fanatically watching football. It was incredible. Amazing. Something to tell your grandchildren about. I’ll never forget it.
I’ve now been a Tom Brady fan for close to the amount of time I spent hating him. Secretly, I’m kind of rooting for Bill Bellichick and the Patriots as well. But, not like I root for that perfect man Tom Fucking Brady.
Love you Tom.
All proceeds will be donated to my fund for keeping Tom Brady’s hair on top of his head (😜).
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